A Shadow of the Past

“We don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our paths for a reason.”

I believe that Javier Garza in my life was not a mistake but a lesson; a lesson in which I haven’t learn anything from. He’s an example of a man who I shouldn’t be involved with because of his immatureness. Despite his age, he still acts like an 18-year-old that has no concern for his future or a woman’s emotions. I think the reason that I’m holding on to him rather than letting him go is because I’m afraid to grow up, because he’s the only thing that reminds me of my younger self. I’m finally realize that if I don’t let him go or forgive myself for my mistakes I will be always be stuck in the past rather than walking forward.

A while back, I wrote about Javier Garza in a previous blog and wrote how letting him go from my life would be the best decision and yet I’m still here in contact and talking about him. Javier Garza Chapter I don’t consider Javier as friend but an acquaintance or an ex- fling, call it what you may but not a friend. I consider a friend someone who is considerate, caring person who helps and listens you at your time of need and Javier is not any of those things. So why do I remain in contact with him? When I first met Javier, I was at a point of desperation, the self-esteem of a 19-year old was low and I would do anything to make myself feel better. My relationship with Javier weren’t exclusive, I would label our relationship as a spontaneous fling which all started and ended in the summer 2009. After our disastrous break up, Javier and I never spoke again, until in 2014 when he contacted me again.   

      As I strolled down on my newsfeed on Facebook, I got a notification that someone had sent me a friend request and I saw who it was, Javier Garza*. It had been years since I had last heard from him and it wasn’t in good terms. I was astounded that after 5 years he wanted to talk to me, but then I thought, maybe it’s a mistake and it was, according to him. I should have immediately denied the request and move on but I didn’t. I didn’t because a part of me was curious into where it would lead to.

From endless messaging on Facebook to hours talking on the phone, we had finally decided to meet up at CSU Long Beach after I had attended my friends’ graduation ceremony. The day was rapidly leaving and the night emerged to the sky, the fresh air had surround my body, and my feet were shaking nervously. I was waiting anxiously by the bus stop, watching cars driving by and hoping every silver car that passed was him.

I saw him standing outside his car, his arms folded and his beautiful eyes looking at me. I smiled as I made my way towards him. I took a deep breath and said, “Hey.” I initiate the conversation. “Hi. How are you?” he replied. He had lean over and gave me a hug. “Good.” I replied. He grew taller.  I told myself. “What?” he asked as I kept observing him. “Oh nothing, you just look different. Good different.” I smiled. “Really?” he asked. “Yeah.” The cologne he was wearing had rubbed off my cardigan. 

I must have some kind of brain injury that caused me to make senseless decisions. Whenever I'm with him or talking to him it's like my inner 15-year old self is talking to her high school crush. My hands get sweaty, I get a gushy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I do my quirky nervous laugh. If you're thinking if I love him, well the answer is... no. At first I thought that I was but I realized that I was in love with the idea of love and confused his affection for feelings. Who was I kidding, thinking that he could actually care for someone based the way he has been treating me. He's not the only person to blame, I was at fault to, for letting it happen. I'm such a naive, clueless and gullible woman who needs to let herself respect from guys like that.

 Javier's presence back in my life has been a roller coaster ride full of drama with spirals and turns that I'm losing control of my path in life. I need to leave the past behind and move on. I have to move on before it's late and end up getting hurt once more....

#endofanera #javierwho?