A Shadow of the Past

“We don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our paths for a reason.”

I believe that Javier Garza in my life was not a mistake but a lesson; a lesson in which I haven’t learn anything from. He’s an example of a man who I shouldn’t be involved with because of his immatureness. Despite his age, he still acts like an 18-year-old that has no concern for his future or a woman’s emotions. I think the reason that I’m holding on to him rather than letting him go is because I’m afraid to grow up, because he’s the only thing that reminds me of my younger self. I’m finally realize that if I don’t let him go or forgive myself for my mistakes I will be always be stuck in the past rather than walking forward.

A while back, I wrote about Javier Garza in a previous blog and wrote how letting him go from my life would be the best decision and yet I’m still here in contact and talking about him. Javier Garza Chapter I don’t consider Javier as friend but an acquaintance or an ex- fling, call it what you may but not a friend. I consider a friend someone who is considerate, caring person who helps and listens you at your time of need and Javier is not any of those things. So why do I remain in contact with him? When I first met Javier, I was at a point of desperation, the self-esteem of a 19-year old was low and I would do anything to make myself feel better. My relationship with Javier weren’t exclusive, I would label our relationship as a spontaneous fling which all started and ended in the summer 2009. After our disastrous break up, Javier and I never spoke again, until in 2014 when he contacted me again.   

      As I strolled down on my newsfeed on Facebook, I got a notification that someone had sent me a friend request and I saw who it was, Javier Garza*. It had been years since I had last heard from him and it wasn’t in good terms. I was astounded that after 5 years he wanted to talk to me, but then I thought, maybe it’s a mistake and it was, according to him. I should have immediately denied the request and move on but I didn’t. I didn’t because a part of me was curious into where it would lead to.

From endless messaging on Facebook to hours talking on the phone, we had finally decided to meet up at CSU Long Beach after I had attended my friends’ graduation ceremony. The day was rapidly leaving and the night emerged to the sky, the fresh air had surround my body, and my feet were shaking nervously. I was waiting anxiously by the bus stop, watching cars driving by and hoping every silver car that passed was him.

I saw him standing outside his car, his arms folded and his beautiful eyes looking at me. I smiled as I made my way towards him. I took a deep breath and said, “Hey.” I initiate the conversation. “Hi. How are you?” he replied. He had lean over and gave me a hug. “Good.” I replied. He grew taller.  I told myself. “What?” he asked as I kept observing him. “Oh nothing, you just look different. Good different.” I smiled. “Really?” he asked. “Yeah.” The cologne he was wearing had rubbed off my cardigan. 

I must have some kind of brain injury that caused me to make senseless decisions. Whenever I'm with him or talking to him it's like my inner 15-year old self is talking to her high school crush. My hands get sweaty, I get a gushy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I do my quirky nervous laugh. If you're thinking if I love him, well the answer is... no. At first I thought that I was but I realized that I was in love with the idea of love and confused his affection for feelings. Who was I kidding, thinking that he could actually care for someone based the way he has been treating me. He's not the only person to blame, I was at fault to, for letting it happen. I'm such a naive, clueless and gullible woman who needs to let herself respect from guys like that.

 Javier's presence back in my life has been a roller coaster ride full of drama with spirals and turns that I'm losing control of my path in life. I need to leave the past behind and move on. I have to move on before it's late and end up getting hurt once more....

#endofanera #javierwho?

The Journey Continues...

Transformation is a process, and as life happens there are tons of ups and downs. It's a journey of discovery - there are moments on mountaintops and moments in deep valleys of despair.- Rick Warren

For the past few months I have been contemplating how to relaunch myself back to the blog-writing world. I have been hitting the backspace button on my keyboard so many times that I think it’s broken. Time and time again I have sat, laid and stood around my house waiting for the right words to flow out of my mind. There were days in which I would just stare attentively for hours to an empty word document in hopes of inspiration. This long absence has made me realize that writing is a difficult task especially when one doesn’t practice it frequently like me who has been away from a classroom. I have also come to the realization that perhaps I’m no longer intrigued by writing; I believe that writing was never my passion but as a way to escape the cruel reality in where I could express my fantasies and my emotions. Writing use to be one of my favorite past times whenever I felt the need to express my thoughts and emotions but now I struggle to get a word out. I have been re-writing this post for months now and I think I finally got it.

I have been on pause for quite some time now; not only in writing but in life. Ever since I left school back in 2013, I’ve been stuck in a profound hole that I cannot get myself out. You might say that I had post-college depression, it’s like when you go to an amazing concert of your favorite artist and the next day you get the feels and you get depressed. Well, that’s how I felt when I graduated from college; I had permitted the depression into my life which caused me to sink into this hole. Rather than investing in my future like many of my peers have done, I had let the negatively and self-doubt consume my soul and now I have not accomplished anything.

I need to reconnect to that young, fierce, proud Latina who I was once, who wanted to embrace her identity and culture to others and motivate the youth in my community. I cannot endure another minute of this state; little by little this hole has drain my motivation to follow my dreams. I know that part of me still remains in me, I need to shake everything off and find it.

 My journey in this world continues… 

Amazing 25th Birthday

Exactly, 25 years ago today, approximately 3:30 am my loving mother gave birth to a beautiful baby girl name Margarita. This girl turned out to be a lovely, smart, nice and loyal young woman. Blessed for my mother for having me and for GOD for sending me to two wonderful people who I'm proud to call mom and dad.

That's right, today is an especial occasion in my life, the day that I turn 25 years old and no, I'm not freaking out because I'll be 30 in five years. It's amazing that a quarter of my life is over, and it doesn't feel like it. Within the last year, a lot of things happened to me, I grew closer to God and Jesus Christ, I got my driver's license and I finally know what I want in life. For some people it takes to reach rock bottom to realize what their truth path in life is and apparently I was one of those people. Being 24 was an awesome adventure and now let's see what being 25 is all about. 

Most people didn't know that today was my birthday, the reason behind that is that I'm a very reserve person (and I know that's a bad thing) and I don't like sharing my birthday to everyone. Let's face it, most people now in days, thanks to social media such Facebook we are reminded when someone's birthday, and I'm not saying that it's bad in fact it's good for some people. But people, like me, a birthday is shared with family and friends who are close with, someone who takes the time to call or text them happy birthday. If you were one of those people who knew my birthday without a Facebook notification, well you must be an important person in my life because those who remember someone's birthday on plain memory are people one must cherish. That's one of the reasons that I hide my birthday from my social media for most of the day, it's not that I don't want anyone to wish me a happy birthday but I just want to see who really knows me and cares enough to remember my birthday. 

Anyhow, today was an amazing day, and I could not have wished for a better birthday. One of the few people who amazed me today was my mom. Today, when I woke up this morning, my mom wants doing her Saturday morning chores and I looked at her and said 'Good Morning, mom'. She smiled and said Good Morning back. Uh. I thought. Usually the morning of my birthday she would hug me and say Happy Birthday, however today was different. No Happy Birthday or nothing related, all morning she remained like that. Later on in the morning, my dad called me to tell me Happy Birthday and then my sister told me, but nothing from my mom. It kind of bothered me that she didn't say anything, but it went away. 

Around 1 or so, I had told my sister about how Starbucks had a birthday reward, getting any size drink free on your birthday so I asked her to take me to get my drink. While we were out, she asked if we could make some few stops, so before Starbucks we went to Target. After getting my Venti Iced Caramel Macchiatto (of course I had to take advantage the any size option), my sister and I went to Best Buy in Downey. After having spent 2 hours in the street with my sister, we finally arrived back home... to find out that our little adventure was a set up and it was a distraction. I walked into the kitchen and realized my mom had set up a birthday table just for me. 

Balloons were set up around the table, a sign saying Happy Birthday Maggie with Mickey and Minnie mouse ears was on the wall, a Letter silver M in the center piece along with two mason jars decorated as Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I was honestly speechless, I could not believe that my parents planned this to me. I was not expecting this. 

I'll be posting pictures of my gifts tomorrow on Instagram (lovely_maggie21). I'm beyond happy and I want to thank God for allowing me to having the best parents a girl could have and of course my sister who helped my mom by distracting me. 

Margarita Hernandez 11:00pm

I'm a LICENSED Driver...Finally

I got my Driver's License. 7-15-2015

So, today, something incredible happen today, I got certified to be a driver in the state of California. Yes, you read that right, I got my California driver's license today. I'm gratefully excited that after all the attempts over the past years that I'm finally holding in my hand the access pass to my freedom. And no, I'm not ashamed for waiting 8 years to get it. I got it and that's what matters. Now I have the liberty to drive anywhere I want and whenever I want, well not really, I still need a car. Well for now, I'm satisfied that I got it. 

Por fin, lo logre.

The Truth Is...

I always have the habit of making stupid decisions when it comes to guys in general, it doesn't matter if I'm dating them or my friends. if you know me well enough, you know that I keep going back to the guys who have hurt me in the past. The truth is that I don't want to cut them out of my life and I'm desperate for their attention that I don't want them to go. Honestly, I know that sounds pathetic and it is. The truth is that I'm afraid, what if I don't meet anyone else? I never been good in talking to guys, more specifically attractive ones, the only one that I could remember is Elias* from that organization from school.

I get it, I don't make the best choices; I always think too quickly before making a rational decision. With Edgar*, he treats me like I'm his girl but at the same time we're not; first of all, we hardly communicate and when he does is when he wants to and second of all when we hang out, he hugs me and kisses me. I don't understand his motives towards me, and I'm getting tired of this. Jay*, my current situation, he tells me that he likes me but not enough to ask me to be his girlfriend. He only wants to see me at night and you know what he wants. Despite all that, I still talk to him and I don't know why? I know that is not right and I have to cut them out of my life. We, girls, cannot let them devalue us, we are worth more than how they see us. I know it's not that simple and it takes a lot to cut someone out of your life.

The truth is... the only two people I truly cared for and might of loved were Elias and Heriberto. But things didn't turn the way I wanted them to be, so I moved on. Hopefully one day, I find someone like them....

Peace.

Easter Sunday

 Growing up I remember this day being more about the egg hunt and the Easter baskets instead about the Resurrection of the Lord. I remember my mom driving my sister and me to my grandparents’ house where we would gather with my aunts and cousins for our annual Easter celebration. But those days seem like forever now, I don’t remember the last time I spent an Easter Sunday with them. Now, I spent my Easter Sundays with my family, and usually we would make a whole day out of it. In the past years, we would wake up early and attend the 7 morning mass and then go to the park and have a Carne Asada, but this year was different. 

This year’s Easter Sunday was more significant compared to other years. I felt like I finally understood the meaning of Easter. This year's Easter Sunday's celebration at Our Lady of Victory, in Compton was a bit delayed. My family usually attends the 2pm service however we were surprised to see both parking lots full when we approached the church. Minutes later we realized that the mass before us, the noon mass, had not finished. Which then caused the mass to start a little bit late than usual. Anyhow, during the homily my attention was solidly at Father Francisco as he talked about the meaning of Pascua. The words he said made a lot of sense, how Jesus Christ came in to save us from our tomb, a tomb of darkness and full of sin. I reflected the words the father had given and if we want to be save from ourselves and from sin, we must be willing to open our hearts to him. 

Margarita "Maggie" Hernandez    10:05pm

My Saturday Night

A little over an hour ago, I arrived back home from the movie theater, and one might assume that I saw a movie right? Is it possible to leave the movie theater without actually watching a movie? Well, in my case that is possible, my sister and I had planned to go see the movie Furious 7 but something occurred.

I should have guessed, it was the opening weekend of the film and should have expected the popularity of the film due to the late actor Paul Walker. My sister and I stood in line and realized that the 8:15 and 8:30 showing of the movie had sold out. And the only time available after that was at 9:30pm personally I didn’t have a problem with that but I guess my sister did, so we left. I may have been a little upset on the way home, I guess because I hardly go out anymore, I was really looking forward to watching the movie. But now, I’m a bit relaxed and enjoying my Caramel Frappe from McDonalds as I watch my favorite soccer team play.

My Saturday night was not what I expected but that’s how life is. Things don’t always go the way we want them to be. Hopefully I get the chance to see the movie next weekend when the theaters are not packed.